It's awful, I know. Don't get me wrong, I'm passionate about teaching. Believe me. I've had to write countless essays about how and why I'm passionate about teaching (it seems extremely sneaky that they plan these assignments once you're in the program, and they have your money, and the student loan people have your soul, that try to weed you out and make you realize you don't want to teach at all). I want to be a role model for young women who have nothing but negativity all around them. I want to inspire.
But I don't want to teach high school social studies. At all.
I just got back from a wonderful week-long vacation in Hawaii (I'm so blessed). And it was absolutely a wake up call, having to come back to the real world. I don't want to go to class tonight. I don't want to sit there listening to a guy ramble on about things that are obvious to me. I don't want to go to class tomorrow. I don't want to sub at an elementary school in the morning. Yet... here I am.
I know this all sounds so whiny. I know I'm lucky to have options, a plan, and a job. I'm incredibly lucky and I know that and I wouldn't ever turn my back on that. But when, exactly, did I trade excitement, passion, and what I want out of life for stability? I know that's the best course of action for me right now. There's really no other option. But it's slowly killing me. And if I don't do something- ANYTHING- it will slowly kill me. It sounds dramatic. But I just don't want to get caught up in this cycle that so many people are stuck in. I want to live, and I want to be happy, and what I'm doing right now is just not making me happy, and I don't know how to change that.
Does anyone get that? I mean, I'm sure everyone does, to an extent. I just feel like I should either have it figured out by now, or I should just stop. I could take a while and just sort of exist while I try to work things out. But I'm just afraid that if I tried that I would still feel stagnant, like I do now.
I don't know what to do, but I'm going to figure it out. Eventually. But one thing's for sure, I need to wake the fuck up. I need to wake up and start living my life, regardless of what job I'm at or program I'm stuck in. I've been static for too, too long.
And now here's a picture of a freakin' adorable kitten surrounded by marshmallows, because this post was waaaaay too heavy. Cheers!