Monday, February 24, 2014

I Want to Quit... Everything

School is draining, because it isn't stimulating. At all. I'm in a credential program right now so I can teach high school social studies to pay bills until I can do what I really want (which~~~ I'm not even sure what that is yet).

It's awful, I know. Don't get me wrong, I'm passionate about teaching. Believe me. I've had to write countless essays about how and why I'm passionate about teaching (it seems extremely sneaky that they plan these assignments once you're in the program, and they have your money, and the student loan people have your soul, that try to weed you out and make you realize you don't want to teach at all). I want to be a role model for young women who have nothing but negativity all around them. I want to inspire.

But I don't want to teach high school social studies. At all.

I just got back from a wonderful week-long vacation in Hawaii (I'm so blessed). And it was absolutely a wake up call, having to come back to the real world. I don't want to go to class tonight. I don't want to sit there listening to a guy ramble on about things that are obvious to me. I don't want to go to class tomorrow. I don't want to sub at an elementary school in the morning. Yet... here I am.

I know this all sounds so whiny. I know I'm lucky to have options, a plan, and a job. I'm incredibly lucky and I know that and I wouldn't ever turn my back on that. But when, exactly, did I trade excitement, passion, and what I want out of life for stability? I know that's the best course of action for me right now. There's really no other option. But it's slowly killing me. And if I don't do something- ANYTHING- it will slowly kill me. It sounds dramatic. But I just don't want to get caught up in this cycle that so many people are stuck in. I want to live, and I want to be happy, and what I'm doing right now is just not making me happy, and I don't know how to change that.

Does anyone get that? I mean, I'm sure everyone does, to an extent. I just feel like I should either have it figured out by now, or I should just stop. I could take a while and just sort of exist while I try to work things out. But I'm just afraid that if I tried that I would still feel stagnant, like I do now.

I don't know what to do, but I'm going to figure it out. Eventually. But one thing's for sure, I need to wake the fuck up. I need to wake up and start living my life, regardless of what job I'm at or program I'm stuck in. I've been static for too, too long.

And now here's a picture of a freakin' adorable kitten surrounded by marshmallows, because this post was waaaaay too heavy. Cheers!


Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Back Again

I've done this before, you know.

I write some things, share some stuff, have some good ideas. Then I get busy. A girl's gotta eat, after all. School takes up pretty much every ounce of energy I've got in my body, and when I'm not there I'm doing things FOR there, or I'm trying to make money, or I'm trying to get healthy (I've been gym-ing a lot lately).

Again: I've done this before. I think every blogger has.

Not that I consider myself a blogger. Someday I will, though. That's one of my goals. I want to be the person who unabashedly shares every little and big moment in her life with people who enjoy listening. I want to be inspiration. I want to be the words that an insecure young girl comes across when she's at her lowest and just trying to find some answers. I want to help. I want to be the fun sister you never had.

Have you ever seen that episode of Friends where Monica's credit card gets stolen by a woman who spends her life doing all sorts of interesting things? I want to be that woman (minus the identity theft, of course). And I want to write about all of it, so that maybe, just maybe, I can encourage you to do the same.

This year has already been different. A lot of people say that, and a lot of people mean it when they do. I mean it. I've already done things differently and acted differently. I've got a different mindset and different feelings on stuff. The change isn't drastic, but it's there. Maybe it came from being in a program at school in which I actually feel intelligent and useful, instead of like I'm wasting the time of myself and everyone else. Maybe it's because I just got out of a long, intense relationship and am having to reexamine EVERYTHING. Maybe it's simply because I'm finally starting to make sense of what it is I want out of life, and what I want to do with my life. I'm not sure, but this year feels different. Every year, every day, every minute is a fresh start- but this one feels FRESHER. Somehow! It's exciting.

So maybe I'll do what I've done before. I'll talk about how busy I am and vow to start making time to write. I'll start off relatively strong and then before you know it I'll be gone again. But hopefully I can turn this blog into something more important than recipes and fashion tips (even though those things are totally important things). Maybe I can start talking. Telling stories. Planning. Helping. Encouraging. INSPIRING.

And maybe that will end up being just so damn cathartic to me that I just can't stop.

Here's hoping. :)