Thursday, June 26, 2014

Religion- or Lack Thereof

The following words were written by me awhile ago, I guess I forgot to publish the post. While cleaning up my blog, I came across this and felt it was too good and too honest not to publish now.


Yesterday, while in the shower shaving my legs (something I rarely do, because frankly, I really don’t give a damn), I had a revelation. A big, sweeping realization came over me.

I’m over organized religion.
Granted, I’ve been “over organized religion” for a long time now. But this is it. I’m done. In a grand (not really), public (not really), Anne Rice-ian gesture, I am shunning modern Christianity. Now, before you cry, or pray for me, or (depending who you are) call my mother, I am not, in any way, rejecting, disowning, denouncing, or shunning my god. I have my reasons.
Webster defines Christianity as “the religion derived from Jesus Christ, based on the Bible as sacred scripture, and professed by Eastern, Roman Catholic, and Protestant bodies”.
Derived from Christ.
Based on the bible.
Professed by different sectors that, although different, compliment one another and evolve out of the same ideologies.
When I was thinking in the shower yesterday, I couldn’t help but water down “Christianity” to its fundamental basis: a relationship with god. How is this any different from any religion? Is every religion that has ever existed not based around a relationship with a higher power (or lack thereof)? It is the fact that, in many religious groups, particularly the Evangelical realm of Christianity, this notion has become so muddled and ripped apart by pretentious assumptions, interpretations, and rules that the relationship itself has become lost. I feel like in order to be righteous or accepted in an Evangelical Christian church, instead of following a simple life of love and forgiveness that the bible instructs, everyone is held to ridiculous ideas and interpretations of the church body or leader.
That is what I’m over. I can’t be a part of something that has become so warped. I can’t be faithful to something that is the leader or the church’s opinion. I get sick when I think of hate being wrapped in opinion, accentuated with a couple choice bible verses, and served as truth or doctrine.
I can’t be a part of something that has become fueled by hate, bigotry, systematic inequality, intolerance, sexism, and/or anything else a person uses his or her religious beliefs as justification for. And that in and of itself is another thing I can’t support: the fact that so many people use their beliefs to attempt to justify their own wickedness. Because sexism, bigotry, intolerance; it’s all wickedness, I really do believe that.
When I tell you I support equality, please don’t tell me you’ll pray for me.
Author Anne Rice has been sort of a role model for me while making this decision. I would like to quote a statement she made when she went public with her decision to renounce Christianity. Although I grew up in a loving, open-minded Christian home, with parents who I know love and accept me no matter what, and was never an Atheist, I still see this well-put statement as totally pertinent to my situation:
My faith in Christ is central to my life. My conversion from a pessimistic atheist lost in a world I didn't understand, to an optimistic believer in a universe created and sustained by a loving God is crucial to me, but following Christ does not mean following His followers. Christ is infinitely more important than Christianity and always will be, no matter what Christianity is, has been or might become.”

So no, Jesus is not weeping, and God isn't shaking his head. Satan is not rejoicing.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Why am I a Feminist?

I'm a feminist. I'll admit that I'm one of those people that is not sure exactly what that word, and everything it stands for, completely encompasses. But I work every day of my life to learn more and figure it out. I like that I learn new things every day. It's not always pleasant, and it is always eye-opening. For example, I recently read an article on The Frisky about things white people need to understand before they are prepared to intelligently discuss racism. It was a little uncomfortable, and it was definitely eye-opening. I read it and understood the things the author was saying. I agreed with every point. Then I shared the article on my Facebook page, and got a few likes-- and two argumentative (and hilariously defensive) comments from two white, straight, cis males. Of course, right? I'm just trying to educate others WHILE I educate myself... I'm not pretending to have all answers or know all the stuff.

And that's exactly how I feel about feminism. I don't have all the answers or know all the stuff. My stance evolves pretty much daily. I learn new words, terms, ideas pretty much daily (yesterday, for example, I stumbled upon the term neurodivergent, which I had never heard before. Here is an excellent blog post on neurodiversity). I'm a mellow person with genetic high blood pressure, so I really try to avoid the internet debate scene. I typically hide behind the notion that we're all entitled to our opinion and that it isn't my job or my place to change minds. But the thing is, I'm growing completely discontent with this attitude. It is my job to change minds. It's my job to not only share my ideas, but to back them up and argue them! So my plan is to try to actually stand up for myself and my beliefs when someone comes at me defensively when I share with him or her an idea that might be somewhat uncomfortable. Change is uncomfortable. Being educated, especially on heavy topics that carry a lot of emotion and bitterness, is uncomfortable. I don't want to get too comfortable.

So I thought I would start this new chapter by sharing the things that have happened throughout my life that have culminated in my stance as a "feminist". I put the term in quotation marks, because it means different things to different people. There is no single, simple, neatly wrapped definition of what a feminist is. By reading the following list, I hope you will understand what feminism means to me. I hope you will understand what I'm fighting for and against.

Why am I a Feminist?

1. When I was in first grade, there were these two girls. They were both really nice, and I was friends with them both. One was black, and one was white. They happened to be cousins by marriage. The white one would go around saying "we're cousins, isn't that funny?" and even back then, I didn't understand why it was funny, because I thought they both liked wearing pretty dresses, they were both really nice, and were both human, so why was it funny that they were related? Why couldn't they be related?

2. When I was little and I wanted to play football on a team like my older cousin, because he, myself, and my brother would always play at my grandma's house and I loved it... and was told by my aunt that I could be a cheerleader.

3. I played softball for years, and once, when we were out in the field practicing before a game, a girl said to me "dude, shave your legs". I was nine. (That's also one of the reasons why now, as an adult, I don't shave my legs.)

4. I went to a Christian summer camp during high school. One time I got chewed out for wearing a "too short" shirt, because as I was walking up a hill, it rode up and a camp employee saw. The boys at camp never wore shirts. Even the male counselors and employees.

5. At that same Christian camp, they would split up the boys and the girls for a "talk"... the boys got to talk about dating (or something- I never really understood, but once the man who was speaking made a joke prior to the talk when we were splitting up that I only sort of understood that deeply disturbed me to the point that I won't even type it here- but it involved "petting"). The girls were lectured on purity and how "modest is hottest" for an hour.

6. While I'm in that same vein, the fact that my whole life, at church, I got lectured on how to save myself and remain pure for my future husband. The boys never got told to save themselves and remain pure for their future wives. (Also, it was always husbands for the girls, of course- what about the girls who wanted wives? What about the girls who didn't want anyone?)

7. Still on the topic- girls were lectured about how they should dress and act so as not to lead their "brothers in Christ" to stumble.

8. When I was 16, I got to go to Europe with the chamber choir I was a part of. When we came back, my English teacher asked us to share our experiences with the class. It was me and a few of the boys from choir in that class. I was talking about how I loved the big city we were in, but felt that the smaller villages we visited were more rustic and even dirty feeling. I got cut off by two of the boys, who were basically like "no, they weren't like that, she's wrong" and then dominated the rest of our time to share. I was only giving my opinion- I guess they thought their opinions were more accurate (and important).

9. In my first year in undergrad, there was a path between some of the dorms that was jokingly called the "rape trail" because girls were habitually assaulted there, to the point that we were told not to go that way.

10. At the dealership where I take my car to be serviced, all of the mechanics and service reps are men. All of the office staff are women.

11. One time my girlfriend and I went dancing at a club. This guy asked me to dance, and I agreed. He stuck his hand up my shirt and grabbed my tit- UNDER MY BRA. I kneed him in the groin, and then HE called ME a bitch.

12. One time a friend and I were walking back to my car late at night after an event. This group of about 6 men approached us and harassed us, asking if we wanted to party. We said no. The response was "yeah, you do". This is just one TINY example of men not respecting "no".


These are the bigger events throughout my life that have caused my beliefs and my stance on feminism. I definitely consider myself lucky. I'm 25 years old, this list could be A LOT LONGER, but it's not. Many women deal with these types of things, and much, much worse. This is why I'm a feminist- because these things, some cultural, some religious, some societal- shouldn't happen. Period.

I'm not sure what's next for my in my journey as a feminist, but this was the first step in me continuing my own education and beginning to educate others.

Monday, February 24, 2014

I Want to Quit... Everything

School is draining, because it isn't stimulating. At all. I'm in a credential program right now so I can teach high school social studies to pay bills until I can do what I really want (which~~~ I'm not even sure what that is yet).

It's awful, I know. Don't get me wrong, I'm passionate about teaching. Believe me. I've had to write countless essays about how and why I'm passionate about teaching (it seems extremely sneaky that they plan these assignments once you're in the program, and they have your money, and the student loan people have your soul, that try to weed you out and make you realize you don't want to teach at all). I want to be a role model for young women who have nothing but negativity all around them. I want to inspire.

But I don't want to teach high school social studies. At all.

I just got back from a wonderful week-long vacation in Hawaii (I'm so blessed). And it was absolutely a wake up call, having to come back to the real world. I don't want to go to class tonight. I don't want to sit there listening to a guy ramble on about things that are obvious to me. I don't want to go to class tomorrow. I don't want to sub at an elementary school in the morning. Yet... here I am.

I know this all sounds so whiny. I know I'm lucky to have options, a plan, and a job. I'm incredibly lucky and I know that and I wouldn't ever turn my back on that. But when, exactly, did I trade excitement, passion, and what I want out of life for stability? I know that's the best course of action for me right now. There's really no other option. But it's slowly killing me. And if I don't do something- ANYTHING- it will slowly kill me. It sounds dramatic. But I just don't want to get caught up in this cycle that so many people are stuck in. I want to live, and I want to be happy, and what I'm doing right now is just not making me happy, and I don't know how to change that.

Does anyone get that? I mean, I'm sure everyone does, to an extent. I just feel like I should either have it figured out by now, or I should just stop. I could take a while and just sort of exist while I try to work things out. But I'm just afraid that if I tried that I would still feel stagnant, like I do now.

I don't know what to do, but I'm going to figure it out. Eventually. But one thing's for sure, I need to wake the fuck up. I need to wake up and start living my life, regardless of what job I'm at or program I'm stuck in. I've been static for too, too long.

And now here's a picture of a freakin' adorable kitten surrounded by marshmallows, because this post was waaaaay too heavy. Cheers!


Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Back Again

I've done this before, you know.

I write some things, share some stuff, have some good ideas. Then I get busy. A girl's gotta eat, after all. School takes up pretty much every ounce of energy I've got in my body, and when I'm not there I'm doing things FOR there, or I'm trying to make money, or I'm trying to get healthy (I've been gym-ing a lot lately).

Again: I've done this before. I think every blogger has.

Not that I consider myself a blogger. Someday I will, though. That's one of my goals. I want to be the person who unabashedly shares every little and big moment in her life with people who enjoy listening. I want to be inspiration. I want to be the words that an insecure young girl comes across when she's at her lowest and just trying to find some answers. I want to help. I want to be the fun sister you never had.

Have you ever seen that episode of Friends where Monica's credit card gets stolen by a woman who spends her life doing all sorts of interesting things? I want to be that woman (minus the identity theft, of course). And I want to write about all of it, so that maybe, just maybe, I can encourage you to do the same.

This year has already been different. A lot of people say that, and a lot of people mean it when they do. I mean it. I've already done things differently and acted differently. I've got a different mindset and different feelings on stuff. The change isn't drastic, but it's there. Maybe it came from being in a program at school in which I actually feel intelligent and useful, instead of like I'm wasting the time of myself and everyone else. Maybe it's because I just got out of a long, intense relationship and am having to reexamine EVERYTHING. Maybe it's simply because I'm finally starting to make sense of what it is I want out of life, and what I want to do with my life. I'm not sure, but this year feels different. Every year, every day, every minute is a fresh start- but this one feels FRESHER. Somehow! It's exciting.

So maybe I'll do what I've done before. I'll talk about how busy I am and vow to start making time to write. I'll start off relatively strong and then before you know it I'll be gone again. But hopefully I can turn this blog into something more important than recipes and fashion tips (even though those things are totally important things). Maybe I can start talking. Telling stories. Planning. Helping. Encouraging. INSPIRING.

And maybe that will end up being just so damn cathartic to me that I just can't stop.

Here's hoping. :)